Jokes 156-
Why men should not be agony aunts.
Dear Dave, I left home for work yesterday and after only driving a mile down the road, my car stalled and then would not start, I had to walk back home only to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter, they announced that they had been having an affair, it had been going on 2 years and that they were deeply in love, can you help me I am desperate, yours sincerely Tracy
Dear Tracy, the most common case for vehicle breakdown in the first few miles is dirt in the fuel lines, if this is not the cause it usually the alternator, hope this helps,
Dave.

2 dogs were in the vets chatting, fido says to butch well butch what you in for butch replies, “i mauled the postman yesterday and now they want to put me to sleep”what about you fido what you in for, well says fido i “ well i was just walking past my owners bathroom and saw the door openand saw her naked bending over washing her hair,i was so horny i mounted her doggy style and shagged her senseless” blimey says fido now wonder they are putting you down aswell, putting me down he replies are they heck im here to get my nails trimmed.

joke of the day ( the jeweller )

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A young Woman was in the jewellers admiring a big diamond ring, and as she lent over for a closer look she let a little fart slip out, hoping no-one noticed she asks the assistant “ how much is the diamond ring” the assistant replies, lady just looking at the diamond ring made you fart, if i tell you the price you will bloody shit yourself.

A fat bird was at the bar drunk, walks up to a man having a quite drink “ if you can guess my weight you can come back to mine and shag me all night” iv’e no idea he replies 30 stone “that’s close enough ya lucky b******d.

Some little thieving sod pinched a pair of the wife’s knickers off the washing line last night, she is not bothered about the missing knickers but would really like the 25 pegs back.

Paddy and mick are making letter bombs,” do you think i have put enough explosives in this envelope” paddy asks “ i don’t know mick says open it and see”but it will explode he replies, don’t be f*****g stupid its not addressed to you.

Apparently colonal gaddaffi has gone into hiding,and surrounded himself with 40 virgins,- well we at least know he is not in Liverpool.

A message from b harmany.
We regret that your application to join our dating agency, i regret to inform you your application has been denied,
You failed question 14 “what do you like most in women “ – my dick ,is not an acceptable answer.
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joke of the day ( kicked out of school )

Jokes 140 ---
Paddy’s wife came home from work to find all her sex toys nailed to the wall,, you f******g idiot she tells paddy, i ask for a dado rail

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, now i only drink in pubs with mirror’s

Women should not have any children after 35, i think thirty five children is aenough for anybody

The 3 fastest ways of communication, tele-phone, tele-vision or tell –a – woman.

What a load of bollocks about women being able to multi task, i just told the wife to sit down and shut the f**k up, you think she could.

A trainee gynaecologist says to the doctor, why do we do smear tests on the over 75 year old ladies,doctor replies ,have you ever tried parting a cheese toastie.

I caught my deslexic mate covering his dick in boot polish Sunday morning, i said ya f*****g idiot, your supposed to turn your clocks back.



What i weekend !! i broke my record for continual sex, 1 hour 2 minutes, then i realised i the clocks had gone forward.

My daughter got kicked out of school today, the teacher had asked to class to do a farm yard impression, but appently shouting, get off my land you thieving rednecks motherf*****rs, is not quite what the teacher had expected.
Scientist have now discovered that if you masterbate a lot you have a greater chance of developing tourettes, how the f**k, did these p**s brained,dumb mother****rs come up with that the F******g ,B******ds,C***k Sucking,******,******,******,*****f*******G scientist tourettes my a***.

Pink Floyd - Run like Hell - from Pulse

joke of the day ( sxy little pvc number )

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The mrs just came into the living room, wearing a little pvc number, stockings and high heels, she handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down and relax and when she comes back she will give me what she does best, I can’t wait I f*****g love bacon sandwiches.

Paddy’s wife Mary is listening to the news on the radio, when a report comes in that there is a psychopath driving the wrong way down the m25 motorway, realising her husband paddy is today travelling on the very same motorway, she phone’s him panicking, paddy my precious she says , iv’e just heard on the news that there is a madman driving the wrong way down the motorway, I know Mary he says but it’s not just one there’s hundred’s of them.

I was woken up last night again by the bulimic girl next door being sick again,i banged on the wall and shouted for god’s sake woman keep it down

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Ha ha ha ha that alzheimers joke you sent me earlier was brilliant.
Little Andrew watched fascinated as his mother soothed some ceam on her face, why are you doing that mother he ask’s, to make my self beautiful she reply’s, then as she begins to wipe it off ,Andrew says whats the matter mam you giving up already.

A polish man visits the local optician for a check up .the optician shows him the the board from about 10 foot away , with the letters “ czwjxnasac “ well sir can you read that ,, read it he says i know the guy.

joke of the day ( the elderly couple )

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An elderly couple, were celebrating their 60th wedding anniverary,the couple married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to there old neibourhood,after they had retired,holding hands they walked by there old school, and noticed it open, so they went in and found the desk they shared as children, and still carved on the lid was andy loves sally, so they started to walk back home, and on there way back a bag full of money landed by there feet from a passing armed van,sally quickly picked it up and said “ finders keepers “ they took it home , counted it £100.000, im hidding this in the loft says sally. The next day to police doing door to door visit Andy and sally to ask, did they have any information about the missing money, yes shouts Andy we found it and hid it in the loft, take no notice of him officers he is senile, well we will just ask him a few questions if you don’t mind, right Andy what happened, well officers we were walking home from school when,, they looked at each other, come on partner were out of here.

joke of the day (the dentist )

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i went for my 6 month check up today and things went well, until he put his index finger up my arse, is that normal, or should i find another dentist.

i have started attending a self help group for sex addicts, i haven’t got an addiction, it’s just a great place to meet slappers.

Bloke buys a parrot from liverpool, but gets sick of it saying “ im from liverpool and i’m hard as f**k,
So he puts a kestral in its cage, the next day he finds the kestral dead, and the parrot saying “ im from liverpool and im hard as f**K, so the guy puts a golden eagle in the cage, next day he finds the golden eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers, as he looks in the cage, the parrot says “ had to take my coat out for that f****r.

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today, apperently finish off on her face did not mean what i thought it did.

Them people from the london underground are a bunch of liars, seen a sign on the platform today, it said, be carefull, stand to close to the edge and you might get sucked off, 4 f******g hours i stood there,

My girlfriend reckons, she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through,when she’s watching it, funny that i said i work on the same principle, ha ha hah ha.

Pink Floyd With Syd Barrett - Interstellar Overdrive-Part 1

joke of the day ( the sniffer dog )

jokes 124 –

A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day and said “my dog tells me that your on drugs” im on drugs i said “ your the one who thinks he has a talking dog.

Firemen have just rescued a man with his dick caught in a condom machine,when they asked what happened, he replied i just followed the instructions, insert 2 pounds coins, and push knob in.

I went to the pet shop yesterday and saw 3 parrots for sale,1 for £200, 1 for £150. And 1 for a tenner, why is that one so cheap i asked, well she said it used to work in a brothel, i found this relly funny so i bought it, i take it home, as i walked into the house the parrot says “ F**k me a new brothel” and i laughed, i walked in to the front room, see’s my 2 sisters and the parrot goes “ f**k me new girls” and everyone laughs, my dad walked in and the parrot goes  “ f**k me dave long time no see “.

I went to a fortune teller yesterday,to see what the future had in store for me, give me your hand she say’s well i can tell that you masterbate a lot and you will be doing so for a very long time, wow i said you can tell that from my hand, she looked up and said “ no i can tell that by your face you ugly f*****r.

joke of the day ( the labrdor )

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the best man, and the best man notices that he has a huge grin on his face, the best man says “ hey man I know your happy getting married, but what’s up you look so excited”. Well he says “I’ve just had the best blowjob of my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful sexy woman that gave it to me”. Then the bride start’s to walk down the aisle and she too has the biggest, brightest smile on her face, the maid of honor says “ wow look at that smile I never realized you were so excited about getting married “ the bride turns to the maid of honor and replies “ I’ve just given the last blowjob of my entire life”.

Paddy tells mick,hey Mick I’m thinking about buying a pet dog, really he says what breed, well I am interested in a labrador,mick replies “ I would think again mate have you seen how many of them owner’s go blind”.

After 30 years of marraige,jim the plumber left his wife a note to tell her the marraige was finished,

The note simply said  “ its over flo “.

The royal mail are releasing stamps of famous prostitues,they cost 20p each,but if you want to lick them it will cost you £2.50.

I went shopping yesterday and the girl at the checkout says “ do you live alone “ yes i replied can you tell that by looking at my basket” no she said your an ugly f****R.

jokes

1-having a smoke outside the pub last night,and this feller in a wheelchair comes up to me and says  " why do you smoke when you dont need to "

i looked at him and said " why the f**k are you wearing shoes.

2- i met stephen hawkins the other day,and said to him “do you know that most people think your an american because of your computerised voice”

“tell me something i dont know “ he replied

Well that was me f*****d

3 - man walks into the pharmacy and says " i would like to buy some viagra please "

assistant relies " i need some  medical proof first before i can sell you some"

no problem says the man will a picture of the wife do.

4 -a midget walks into the libary and asks for a book on ironry,

the librarian replies "over there mate on the top shelf".

5 –my wife came home drunk yesterday afternoon, while trying to get undressed,she fell over and knocked herself out,her knickers were round her ankles with everything on display,i thought im not going to miss an oppertunity like this,so out with the lads i went.

6 – i shoved a grape up my wife arse last night when she was asleep , she never moaned just let out a little wine.

7 – a young mother after the birth of her 9^th child goes and sees the local priest.pardre she says “ i dont know why i get pregnant so easily, there must be something in the air”

Yes replies the priest its your legs.

8 – i dont trust sperm banks thats why i keep mine in a sock under the bed.

saw a sign today ,made me piss myself TOILET CLOSED ---,MORE JOKES

Saw a sign today, made me piss myself, toilet closed.

A husband comes home from early from work ,and catch’s his mate in bed with his wife, and in a mad rage he kills him, the wife starts screaming at her husband, you dickhead if you carry on like that you won’t have any fiends left.

Tommy got kicked out of school today!! The teacher asks him if I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Jane, £5 to Claire, and £5 to Emma what would you have. Apparently 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab was defiantly the wrong answer.
Two women on their way back from a night on the tiles stop in a graveyard for a wee, one wipes herself with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath, Their 2 husband’s were in the pub a few days later chatting , I think I better start watching the wife, she came home the other night with no knickers on, the other man replies, “that f**k all mine had a card wedged in her arise saying, we will never forget you from all the lads at the firestation.

I saw really fat girl yesterday walking down the street with a t-shirt saying “ I love hip hop “ think it should have said “ I love chip shop”.

I was in the park yesterday and was wondering, why Frisbee’s got bigger when you looked at them, then it hit me.

pink floyd ,the missing $640,000

Pink Floyd --- the missing $640,000 dollars
Greetings pink Floyd fans, here is a first introduction of my pink Floyd stories, hope you enjoy.
Pink Floyd as you know are one of the great supergroups,of all time selling hundreds of millions of albums and playing to a countless number of fans, well here is a little story about the time they played in soldiers field Chicago,
Before the concert started, roger waters went up to stand on the top of the stage to look at the huge audience of fans in front of him, Steve o rouke the pink Floyd manager said look at the crowd there is 63,000 fans out there, but roger knowing what a 63,000 crowd looked like said ,no way there is a lot more than that 80,,000 if not 100,000 fans ,I should know we have played to that many loads of times, so off he went back to check at the box office, yep 63,000 the box office confirmed, roger waters was having none of it , immediately went out and hired a helicopter, and some lawyers, and some professional photographer’s and flew over the crowds of adoring fans taking pictures of everybody from the air , and low and behold he was right , it turned out that in Chicago on that eventful night, there was a crowd of ninety five thousand fans, so where were the other 32,000 people or as roger waters, and the rest of the band would like to know the missing $640.000.

what other rock stars said about pink floyd

Pink Floyd – what other rock stars said.
Hi Floyd fans a few quote’s made by rock stars about the fantastic pink Floyd ,hope you enjoy.
Were a boogie band, we can’t all of a sudden do something like the Floyd.---- john coghlan,ex status quo
We must have been the only band who said “yeah i like pink Floyd, my second concert was genesis.—jim kerr, simple minds
It’s is essentially rock,n,roll the legand (roger waters)
You cant be a legand till your in pink Floyd, led zeppelin or dead,-- joe Elliot, def leppard
I wish i had made dark side of the moon – phillip Oakley
There is always a wall as the great pink Floyd so eloquently put it –john hiatt, the three johns
Its disgusting that pink Floyd can sell millions of records and a genius like prince never gets the recognition he deserves ,-- sioxsie and the banchies.
He reckoned we sound like pink Floyd ??? what’s wrong with that, dark side of the moon is a f*****k great record.---horse ,happy Monday’s.
Im convinced that at some point we are going to make a classic rock record,in the sense that it will sell for years like dark side of the moon ,or the wall or any Floyd album really.—wayne hussy ,lead singer , mish.
Marc bolan came to see peter jenner because he managed pink Floyd, and marc adored syd, he said if syd’s there then i want to be there too.
And last but not least ,,roger waters,, we all dream of being rock stars in our dingy flats and our ten quid guitars ,but the truth is once you have cracked it it’s all over.

the geography of a woman

Geography of a woman.
Between 18 and 22 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful, with fertile deltas.
Between 23 and 30 a woman is like America..... Well developed and open to trade especially for high financed investors.
Between 31 and 45 a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 46 and 55 a woman is like France, gently ageing, but sensual with an appreciation for the finer things.
Between 56 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and in need of massive reconstruction.
From 61 onwards, she is like Afghanistan, everyone knows where it is but no-one wants to go there.
The geography of a man.
Between 15 and 85 a man is like Britain, ruled by a dick.

unbelivable anagrams

Fantastic anagrams
Hello fellow author’s as we are continually writing all sorts of story’s and things that intrest each other i come acrose all types of anagrams i thought you might be interested in some of the following i thought they were very good hope you all enjoy.
Astronomer ................... moon starer
Presbyterian................... best in prayer
The morse code .............. here comes dots
Dormitory .......................... dirty room
Slot machines ..................... cash lost in me
Election results ....................... lies lets recount
Snooze alarm ...................... alas no more z’s
A decimal point .................. im a dot in place
The earth quakes .................that queer shake
Eleven plus two ................. twelve plus one
The eyes .................................... they see
George bush ...............he bugs gore
Animosity .....................is no amity
Desperation .................. a rope ends it
Mother in law .............. woman hitler
And last but not least star of the hit tv show, how to look good naked
Gok wan ................. go wank