9 really funny jokes

1-having a smoke outside the pub last night,and this feller in a wheelchair comes up to me and says  " why do you smoke when you dont need to "

i looked at him and said " why the f**k are you wearing shoes.

2- i met stephen hawkins the other day,and said to him “do you know that most people think your an american because of your computerised voice”

“tell me something i dont know “ he replied

Well that was me f*****d

3 - man walks into the pharmacy and says " i would like to buy some viagra please "

assistant relies " i need some  medical proof first before i can sell you some"

no problem says the man will a picture of the wife do.

4 -a midget walks into the libary and asks for a book on ironry,

the librarian replies "over there mate on the top shelf".

5 –my wife came home drunk yesterday afternoon, while trying to get undressed,she fell over and knocked herself out,her knickers were round her ankles with everything on display,i thought im not going to miss an oppertunity like this,so out with the lads i went.

6 – i shoved a grape up my wife arse last night when she was asleep , she never moaned just let out a little wine.

7 – a young mother after the birth of her 9^th child goes and sees the local priest.pardre she says “ i dont know why i get pregnant so easily, there must be something in the air”

Yes replies the priest its your legs.

8 – i dont trust sperm banks thats why i keep mine in a sock under the bed.